Friday, March 13, 2009

My Tornado

I was talking with a friend the other day and she mentioned that she defines events her in life as “Before The Tornado” and “After The Tornado”. She lost everything she had a few yrs ago when a Tornado took everything from her. She was working on her Masters at the time and had a teenage son. Not to mention that she was a single mom working her ass off to make ends meet. She has pulled herself up and now is doing very well.

This got me to thinking about my life. What was the Tornado in my life?

First I went back to when I “discovered” I was gay – or more less when I allowed others to “discover” I was gay. I’m the daughter of a Southern Baptist Minister. My father is retired now, but at the time I came out he was at the top of his game. He had his own Sunday Morning Show on local TV. His congregation every Sunday consisted of about 1500 people. He doesn’t believe in Homosexuality – as a matter of fact when I came out he was actually preaching on the dreaded “Homosexual Agenda”, and I don’t mean just one sermon … he preached a whole series on it! When I finally did admit to myself I was gay, which a whole other story in itself, I didn’t really admit it to my dad. But he figured it out and it was very hard on our relationship and still is today. We have just agreed to agree that he doesn’t believe in my sexuality choice (as he calls it) and I don’t believe in his God. That said, my dad is a good man and I try to be a good daughter to him. So really, even though this was a tough period in my life … it was not my tornado.

The next thing I thought of was the Gulf War. I’m a veteran of the war. I was in the Army for ten years. I did and seen things in the early 1990’s that I still wish I had not seen or did. I have learned not to regret them or feel guilty for them, for they were part of the things that made me who I am today. Without those events in my life I would have missed out on some life lessons that would not have been possible to learn otherwise. But – I do not consider this my life’s tornado.

Then there's my first relationship. It lasted twelve years. We were both very successful in our work. We had everyting we wanted in life. At the beginning we were both so in love. Then as time passed it seemed as if we become destructive toward and for one another. We kept getting back together after we would split up - the last two years we were together - expecting that we could make it work. I finally made a choice to move 300 miles away from her just so we would STOP hurting one another. It was an insane two years of my life! But today we still talk on the phone and she was a big part of my life. When I returned home from the war she put up with a lot of shit that she didn't deserve to have to deal with. She worked while I went to college. I worked while she went to college. She has since moved to New York and works as a Producer. I live here in Kansas City and work for the county. The breakup was probably the hardest thing on my emotional being. Even still this was not the tornado in my life.

What was the tornado in my life? It was the two years I was single after I left my ex. I intentionally stayed single for those two years. I was a whore to say the least. I threw all that I knew out the window about taking care of myself. I went from job to job. I slept with so many women it's amazing that I didn't catch a disease and lose my vagina! I drank enough beer to actually purchase a fleet of Bud Light trucks. Took little white pills to stay awake in the day and little blue ones to sleep at night.

It was this last thought that made me think that often it isn't other people that are tornado's in our lives -it is us. It's the way we feel about ourselves and the choices that we make.

Life is much better now that the Tornado has passed. It's been seven years ago March 17th that the winds changed in my life. My Tornado passed and I live with a beautiful Princess, in a beautiful Kingdom in a beautiful home. I have a job that I love. I think I will just stay right here in the shelter for awhile.


Jude said...

Outlaw, what an amazing set of life stories you've been through. Each of them building into the person you are today. I'm so happy you've gotten past your "tornado" and living with a Princess. Peace girl, you deserve it. hates word verification said...

This was an awesome post! You're so right, we all have our own "tornadoes".

It's funny... my first LTR relationship was for 12 years too. I know the pain of which you speak.

Congrats on having the "perfect life" LOL -- well, as perfect as it can be anyway. :)

Found you via Asphalt Cowboy....

Monkey Outlaw said...

Jude, thank you!

Tina, thank you and you're welcome here... off to read you now!

Propane Amy said...

That was a very thought provoking post. I loved it. Welcome to my blog!!

small town dyke said...

What a lovely post,glad you can appreciate all that you have been through to get to what you have. Welcome to my blog!